AnonymouslyE

I will no longer let my pride or fear tell me its wrong to love someone (man or woman).

I accept the fact that sometimes you can’t help who you love….. I also accept that sometimes who you love can’t accept the person you are…

I know now that just because you love someone doesn’t mean you need them to love you back…. and it doesn’t always mean they should remain in your life.

People are put in your life for a reason, season or lifetime. I’m learning to let go of resentment and disdain for those who have disappointed the Erin of days passed…….

I am learning to love people for who they are to ME and not who I am to THEM……

“Love is life and life is living!” ….. I’m on my way home!

“Home is a place we all must find, child. It’s not just a place where you eat or sleep. Home is knowing. Knowing your mind, knowing your heart, knowing your courage. If we know ourselves, we’re always home, anywhere.” a quote from The Wiz

Like a victim of a violent crash I lay here battered and bruised. Although I have no broken bones, no pierced skin I bleed profusely from the wounds inflicted by past loves, scars incurred by risks taken in hopes of something true, real.

And just as a narcotic is prescribed for pain unmoved by any over the counter drug, I medicate myself with your potent touch. Ignorant of its contents and why it so easily masks my pain I partake of it selfishly, greedily. High with lust and gratification my true senses become numb.

I must deal with my pain. I must move the muscle that has become stiff with resistance and fear. But instead I medicate myself with your touch.

My rationale and common sense has an intervention with my senses. Pleading with me to realize that this pain reliever was not intended for my long term use. But I do not listen, instead I medicate myself with your touch completely ignoring your warning label: Caution: Highly addictive!

I would never admit this… not even to him… although I’m almost certain he knew… by the way my body began to shake… the way my speech was almost non-existent… the way tears streamed across the bridge of my nose saturating the pillow. He knew alright.

He knew he had me. He knew he’d broken me down to submission, by the simple whisper of “yes… i promise” that I let escape from my lips. For now I was compliant. There was not a hint of defiance. I did not resist. I meekly accepted my ‘punishment’ wishing it to be over… hoping it would never end.

I could no longer fight. All I could do was curse… and bless the actions that brought me to this moment.

I lay be beneath him in a state I’ve never been in all my thirty-something years. I was too smart for this. I was too ‘seasoned.’ I knew the game… so I thought. But never have I had someone fuck my mind like that… have me so completely sane…so aware that my so-called transgressions were somewhat justified…. yet becoming utterly bewildered… tamed… controlled… taken captive.

Several hours before this, I’d been sitting in frustration; sending him words filled with emotion. The alcohol didn’t help. It only added anger to the messages of perceived neglect I was trying to relay. I’d fallen asleep alone, and subsequently: angry. When I’d awaken, his response to my ranting further dampened my mood. His message was clear. He’d finally tired of my tantrums and would, under no circumstances deal with it any longer. His intolerant tone only made me more upset. I replied only acknowledging the receipt of his message.

Hours later when he knew I’d be free of distraction and obligation, he sent a message. “Come and get your punishment.” I laughed at his cockiness and simply replied, “No.” Still I was relieved by his summons. I knew he still wanted me…. but I also knew, by the simplicity of his message, this would come at a price.

When I arrived, it was business as usual. A hearty hug and kiss upon my entrance. Cheerful greetings and embraces from loved ones. Cold champagne and engaging conversation over the aroma of my simmering pots and pans. We ate. We drank. We smoked. We were merry.

 I’d forgotten about everything. Showered before slipping into bed. So unaware that I was to be reckoned with……………….

Yes, every woman has a fantasy. Although I know I’m not ready for it, I fantasize about being his woman….. I have an image in my mind of loving him…trusting him.

In my own world….my literary secrets…. I’ve let all guards down and loved him…every inch of him…given of myself freely and accepted him without apprehension.

In my own world….where I mixed the experiences of what is real with what I crave for behind closed doors. Where I exposed every and any truth about my being without ridicule or judgment….

In my own world….where words hurt no one and all pleasures are [un]selfishly satisfied….where eyelids get heavy with thoughts of tender touches, sweet caresses, succulent kisses and tantalizing scents….

In my own world….where we walk in the park at our leisure, embracing, talking, touching each other’s body, soul, heart, mind…..

But real life is once again on the horizon. The sun lifts itself from out of the warmth and security of the night’s darkness while doubt, insecurities, fears, facts materialize forcing me to accept this is just a fantasy…..

Still…..(as always)….I cannot get him out of my mind….

~AnonymouslyE

I am struggling to push back the emotion. I am outside my comfort zone of indifference.

I am uneasy with feeling and expectation. I cannot operate in this condition.

My steps are apprehensive and unsteady. My responses are defensive and guarded.

Love is not an undesired destination but the journey is not one that I find myself prepared to take.

I have not yet learned to travel light for I must be adorned with the heavy overbearing armor that I’ve grown to find comfort in. Yet it impairs my agility and punishes attempts of tenderness.

In the distance I can smell the sweetness of love’s possibility yet when I open my mouth to taste it I am suffocated as though in the midst of an unsympathetic sand storm blinded by confusion, immobilized by uncertainty, terribly wounded.

Even as the sand settles, I still do not find relief. The sun bears down on me cruelly with a delusion of an oasis that will quench my thirst and relieve my anguish but only dissipates leaving behind an echo of condescending laughter.

~AnonymouslyE